Today has been seriously shitty. I cannot think when last I had an argument with someone that turned so nasty. And why?
I think that years of watching, complaining and pulling a nose up at me finally came out. Well excellent. It is not good to bottle your emotions nor to hold up a front. If you have something to say, then say it. Otherwise, just stay away. You really and truly no longer have to walk bent under the obligation of having to see me, or deal with me, or love me or care for me or be interested in me or like me or anything. Just say you don’t like, love, want or whatever, and walk away.
I know I fall so short of your expectations for me. I know you soooooooo disapprove. I see it in the way you look at me and talk to me.
Well you know what? I actually don’t care anymore. I cannot make you approve. I cannot make you anything. I can just make me do something. And right now, all I want to do, I crawl and hide under my bed in the hopes that you will never look there, ever.
You have shackled me in chains. You bind me with that look in your eyes. That mouth that pulls down every time I open mine.
And you always tell me that you are oh you are so proud of me, not so? Crap! You are not proud, you are just so surprised that I did not turn out to be a pile of shit on the side of the road, or a corpse in a gutter.
Get real. Please. Maybe then I can walk free. To be what and who I am. To say what I want, when I want, how I want. This is my life, and I don’t need your permission anymore. Your approval is no longer needed.
I finally scratched three HUGE things off my to-do list today. Huge simply because I have been procrastinating. They were not difficult:
1. Take the four dogs for their inoculations
2. Return an oven
3. Hand in my firearm licence application at the police station
They have been on the bloody list now for about three months and every time they pop up on my screen, I postpone them for four hours. It has been so long that it would have been impossible to have found the original entry.
So phew, done and dusted!
The problem with procrastinating on a to-do list is that it makes you feel guilty and out of control. I hate that. I want to make lists and I love crossing things off lists. The worst kind of entries are those that you drag with you like a lame leg. Especially if you are reminded of your failure to act every four hours. Guilt and I understand one another, we used to be very good friends. Luckily I came to that point in my life where I understood how debilitating the bugger is and I cast him aside. But he is sly, I have to watch out for him because he lays in wait around corners where I least expect it. My to-do list though should be obvious. In fact, I believe they sell paper diaries and manufacture computer diaries with the possibility of guilt already built-in. Like, use it or lose it! Not that I am suggesting that the manufacturers are aware of it, more like guilt lurks in those industries and sneaks into those products.
So here’s the thing about tomorrow. I will start the day with new entries, things that were not there this morning.
That I can deal with.